For all these years I’ve been lacking the most important skills to succeed with hot women. In fact, I’ve been acting like a BNB (‘boring nervous bonehead’) around them. But now, at last, I’ve discovered how to get sex with hot babes.
My new-found knowledge is from the seduction manual How To Be The Bad Boy Women Love (full text online). This sequel to How to Succeed with Women reveals that creating deep rapport and a deep connection is not always enough to get a hot babe into bed. The authors’ most successful students are masters at both connection and disconnection (p. 48):
…once you have the tool of disconnection at your disposal, you’ll be shocked by how much faster and easier your seductions of hot women are.
The book is full of great detail about techniques for disconnecting. For example, the first basic technique is called a truth disconnect (p. 55):
A truth disconnect is a disconnection that you make with a woman by drawing attention to the truth about her mood, her behavior, or your experience of her.
Here’s an example of a truth disconnect (p. 55):
We were walking down a street in a bar area around midnight. We saw three girls together, and one of them looked really angry and upset. David said “hi” to her, and she just grunted back. So David simply reflected back what was actually going on with a truth disconnect.
He said, “Wow, that’s pretty rude. You look really angry.”
The other basic technique is the canned disconnect (p. 57, original emphasis):
A “canned disconnect” is a disconnecting phrase that you’ve memorized and practiced (hopefully out loud) until you can say it no matter how scared or intimidated you are. You then deliver this “canned disconnect” to women who need it, and let it work its magic.
Here’s an example of how it can work (p. 57):
Brian was in a bar and talking to a woman who was extremely beautiful, but incredibly stuck-up and rude. After a couple of minutes of talking to her and having her be so bitchy, he said, “Hey, you know what. You’re a really rude woman, and I’m not going to talk to you anymore.” He then turned on his heel and walked away.
If you are like most men who have never disconnected from a woman, then you probably think the interaction with her was over. Quite honestly, he did, too. But he felt good about himself, and was telling himself that that was enough.
But about a half-hour later, when Brian was getting ready to leave, that same girl came up to him. She told him she was sorry for being a bitch, and offered him her phone number.
I found some more examples of disconnects in an unusual place. Remember that book about psychodynamic counselling I mentioned in my previous post, Cake? In the book’s case studies there are two clients, the first of whom is Hannah. Here’s part of Hannah’s first session, starting from the very first words she speaks (p. 1):
‘Are you a psychoanalyst?’, she said…
I paused a second… The brief silence gave me some space to frame my reply: ‘What does “psychoanalyst” mean to you?’
The short answer would have been ‘No’, by the way. The author is not a psychoanalyst. What was moment of silence all about then? And why not just answer the question? This was a canned disconnect. Allow a moment’s silence, then refuse to answer the question and throw it back by asking, ‘What does [whatever the client asked about] mean to you?’
On the same page, there’s another one (original emphasis):
‘I hoped I’d be able to see a woman.’ …
‘You hoped you’d be able to talk to a woman,’ I said gently, ‘and you find yourself talking to a man. And you’re afraid I will only be interested in sex.’ It was a slightly risky comment…
Not just a risky comment, that was a truth disconnect. Look above on this page to the definition of truth disconnect from the seduction manual to see how well this example fits.
These types of disconnects are not the only ways in which the counsellor appears to be following the seduction manual.
Reward and punishment
To be successful at seduction you have to be a ‘Hard to Get Man’ (p. 21):
The Hard to Get Man is unpredictable in the things he talks about, the way he behaves, and the way he expresses himself. As a result the Hard to Get Man is flexible in his approach with women and is able to deal with the inherent chaos involved in relating to women.
And your unpredictability involves reward and punishment (p. 67, original emphasis):
One of the key skills of being a Hard to Get Man is having the ability to both reward and punish women. In fact, a Hard to Get Man constantly rewards and punishes women. The Hard to Get Man is flexible in his approach with women and is constantly rewarding women when they are treating him well. He is generous with his rewards and enjoys the reward process. The Hard to Get Man also does not hesitate to punish a woman when she is nasty or mean. He goes in and holds his ground.
The seduction manual goes into great detail about types of reward (body language, attention, compliments, and time) and types of punishment (withdrawal of attention, commenting on her bad behaviour). It explains that holding your ground means tolerating emotion (p. 73, original emphasis):
Remember, emotion is good. Extreme emotion is even better. Women thrive in situations that are highly emotional. So, when a woman gets extremely angry, happy, or sad she’s engaged. One of the reasons BNBs are so boring is that they avoid emotions. Therefore, pushing up intense emotions with women is good. You might not be comfortable with a woman getting upset with you and “losing it.” But trust us when we tell you that if you are able to ride the wave of intense emotions with women, sex is often on the other side and/or a deeper connection.
Back in Hanna’s counselling sessions, her counsellor also confronts her with unpredictable rewards and punishments in order to generate emotion. They are more difficult to give examples of in a few quotes, but they parallel the techniques of the sexual predator exactly.
Here’s an example of an unpredictable punishment. Hannah attempts her own disconnect from the counsellor, which is punishable, but punishing it immediately would be predictable.
So instead, the counsellor changes the subject, first to sex (which doesn’t get much of a response), and then to Hannah’s doctor. When the counsellor changes the subject back to Hannah, he delivers the punishment (p. 19, original emphasis):
‘I’m not sure I can tell you.’ She frowned, and looked anxious again.
‘Perhaps it’s difficult to tell me because I’m a man?’
Hannah nodded, but said nothing. She looked a little sad.
‘You wanted to go on seeing your doctor?’ I added.
‘She hasn’t got time, I know. There are a lot more people who deserve more attention than me.’ Her eyes had begun to moisten.
‘That sound [sic] confusing for you. You’re not sure you can speak to me; but part of you wants someone to pay attention to what you’re feeling; but you aren’t sure whether you’ve got any value compared to other people…’
I spoke slowly, separating out the several conflicting feelings within her. As I spoke, Hannah looked more upset; when I stopped speaking she buried her head in her hands and began to cry.
Note how the counsellor is completely in charge throughout this exchange, changing the subject three times. Also note that when Hannah finally breaks down in tears it is not in response to feelings that she herself has expressed — it’s in response to feelings the counsellor has expressed on her behalf.
Resistance, transference and coercion
Psychodynamic theory explains the emotional content of counselling and psychotherapy in terms of concepts like resistance and transference. But this theory assumes that the counsellor is a kind of blank sheet who does not influence things. When the counsellor is using strongly coercive techniques similar to those used by sexual predators in bars to pick up hot babes, the theory breaks down.
Resistance is taken to be when the client’s unconscious predispositions make it difficult for her to process certain material in her life. But when the counsellor is using unpredictable disconnects and punishments, apparent resistance could very easily be generated by the counsellor’s own weird behaviour.
Transference is taken to mean that the client’s feelings towards the counsellor are being unconsciously transferred from some other significant person in the client’s life. But a counsellor who routinely uses bar-room seduction methods with clients is very likely to create strong emotion, especially attachment, out of thin air.
I am not saying, by the way, that the counsellor in this case study was actually trying to get Hannah into bed with him. The strong parallels between his methods and the methods of sexual predators almost certainly have different purposes, but only slightly different.
The sexual predator wants to create attachment and emotion as a means to an end, as a strategy for getting sex. The coercive counsellor wants to create attachment and emotion as an end in itself, to give the impression that his counselling is ‘deep’ and worthwhile without attempting the much more difficult task of pinpointing and helping with the client’s difficulties.
Although you might not think it from the way the seduction manual is written, the sexual predator’s methods create solid relationships. Hot babes, just like everyone else, really do want relationships with people who are honest and perceptive, who genuinely value them as human beings, and who are prepared to be themselves in every way, in addition to liking sex.
Coercive counsellors, on the other hand, create phoney relationships where the emotion and the attachment are manufactured by the counsellor’s deliberately weird behaviour. Clients in those relationships are victims of wierdos.
The warning signs of coercive counselling relationships can be deduced from the counsellor’s payoff, and from the ways in which these counsellors are tempted to overstep professional boundaries. The commonest payoffs for coercive counsellors are emotional vampirism and money. Sexual payoffs are probably very rare.
The emotional vampire is a counsellor who gets a kick out of emotional clients. It’s easy to spot if the counsellor often becomes emotional during sessions, although some emotional vampires are able to remain flat during the sessions. Some may have only a few victims amongst other clients whom they treat normally. If the same emotions continually recur in session after session, particularly if the counsellor seems to be participating in the emotion, or feeling satisfied at the end of emotional sessions, it could be a bad sign.
The ones who do it for money create attachment so that their clients keep returning week after week, usually for at least several years. Clients may become addicted to the feeling, learning to reject normal relationships and seeking similar counsellors for more of the same.
Professional boundaries normally prevent counsellors from rewarding their clients very much. The rewards of attention and empathy during sessions are limited. So coercive counsellors may be tempted to give more potent rewards.
Extra time and attention outside scheduled sessions, for example, is a tell-tale sign. Regular e-mails, telephone messages, ‘chance’ encounters in everyday or social situations, and contact on the Internet’s social networking sites would also be a strong indicator that the counsellor is trying to coercively reward inappropriate feelings of attachment.
Learning How To Be The Bad Boy Women Love has turned out to be even more revealing than I thought.